Wednesday, September 23rd 2009
OK, not like I think anyone actually would care to read 10 things about me. But whatever. I'll rant a little why not.
1. I hallucinate when it's dark. When I was 7 I stole 2 doses of really strong LSD out of my mom's purse. I didn't know what it did, all I knew was that she always acted really happy when she ate it. I saw some of the most terrifying things imaginable to a 7 year old girl. When it's really dark out I still see everything I saw that night. Sometimes it doesn't even need to be dark.
2. I step out of the way to avoid killing a bug on the sidewalk. I don't really like bugs on a tactile basis, but it makes me feel bad if I'm the cause of their death.
3. I can't stand when someone pukes around me. Even my own son. I feel guilty because I'm supposed to be the mom that makes everything better, but if I think my boy is about to get sick, I conveniently make my self absent.
4. I too am addicted to chapstick or lip gloss. It's not only that I don't like having chapped lips, which I don't, but if I go to rub my lips together and they are dry it drives me bonkers.
5. I come from the kind of past you see on after school specials. From drinking myself into a blacked out stupor every single night to experimenting in dangerous drugs. To finding someone to wake up next to every morning. Not always the same person either. These things I'm not proud of what-so-ever, but they are all apart of me. My mistakes made me who I am. And though I have tamed myself down almost completely, I still sometimes think back on those days and almost miss them in a way. I would never return to that life, but looking at the pictures of my friends still living that way kind of brings back fond memories. I know that sounds sick, but it's the truth.
6. I'm in love with my kids. My son was the reason I stopped partying and starting living a life I would want for my children. My daughter simply put things into perspective for me. She is a light in dark places. She helps me see the beauty in simple things, like the joy from reaching out and grabbing a toy for the first time.
7. I don't like to show my emotions. I spent my whole life being the butt of everyone's jokes. They gossiped behind my back and to my face. They teased me to the point of destroying all specks of self-esteem I had. I learned to suppress it all. And it worked up until the point I realized I've suppressed so much that now it's hard for me to make myself vulnerable enough to emote at all. It's something I'm working on. But it's hard, especially because I think that once I show the emotions I'm feeling, all the other one's I've shoved down into me will come spilling out. That I know I can't handle.
8. I don't know my dad. My mom used him to get pregnant and decided to leave it at that. He would have married her and raised me like a father, but my mom wanted to live free and unhindered. I spoke to him the first time when I was 19. Two years ago I first saw a picture of him. But that's about it. I would love to meet him at least once. But I don't see that happening.
9. In case you haven't noticed I have a tendency to lean towards depression, one of the good things about my suppression techniques is that it prevents me from falling into that darkness I hide. Most of my smiles aren't real, when I laugh it's usually because I'm expected to. I'm only truly happy when I'm with my children. Aside from that I'm mostly just a big mask.
10. It's very hard for me to make friends due to my low self-esteem and past encounters with people. I often don't even feel I'm worth it. I want friends, and am lonely, but won't reach out to people. I want to be happy but won't allow myself to feel.
All that having been said those are just the things that go on in my brain. I love my children, my family, and my husband. I wan't imagine life without them. But I figured listing my favorite movies and colors in this Ten Things About Me post would be kind of meaningless. So there I am in a very nutty nutshell.
I'm tagging anyone who reads this and wants to re-post it.
Trent's Take and Bake Pizza
10 months ago
I love it! The most honest one I have read yet :) It's really great to get to know you, I wish I was a better visiting teacher. I promise I will get better, just as soon as these babies get a bit bigger, and my mother-in-law is back! If there is anything you need you can give me a ring, even if it's just to chat :)
ReplyDeleteYou are a BRAVE woman! It was really neat to read all that and get to know you a little better. I should do the tag too, although my first thing will probably say something like I can't seem to find the time to do hardly anything extra these days, so maybe I won't get around to it...we'll see...Thank you for opening up and sharing all you did. And by the way, you are talented with words! I love the way you word everything in all your posts. Maybe I should have you do my posts too! Yours are so sweet.
ReplyDeleteHey, Bethany, one of my favorite people! i loved this! You have a certain rawness (is that a word?) that I appreciate. I'm going to miss our little chats. We'll just have to learn to use the phone or something, lol. Anyway, I enjoyed reading a bit more about you. It's interesting the ways in which you remind me of myself. What a great example you are to me of rising above incredible adversity. I am glad our paths got the chance to cross. Hugs to you, my friend.
ReplyDeleteBethany...You are wonderful!! You have a gift for writing! Your post was very raw and I loved it! We all are who we are, rather that being because of our pasts or our choices...but we can't change the past just the furture. I always love talking to you, you are always so much fun...
ReplyDeleteMy mom, who is 87 still remembers the hurtful things that people said to her! I sometimes think that people don't think before they speak..I am sorry that so many people have said hurtful things to you! You are a special person, who I know is kind towards others, because of your past.